Saturday, July 2, 2016
My truth and twisted fate: I guess it wasn't in my stars to be sober...or sho...
My truth and twisted fate: I guess it wasn't in my stars to be sober...or sho...: As I struggle with this addiction to alcohol, I am cocky. I have God now and everything else will fall into place. By fall into place I mean...
I guess it wasn't in my stars to be sober...or should I say genes?
As I struggle with this addiction to alcohol, I am cocky. I have God now and everything else will fall into place. By fall into place I mean a beer back in my hand. Even on the good days where I can plainly see my blessings. It doesn't make sense. How can someone so smart not be able to put down the booze for good? I have accomplished so many things in my life and I don't think I can remember 1/2 of the time I spent doing it.
I really shouldn't be surprised. I grew up watching my parents and all of their wonderful choice of friends going through the same struggles. My mom really meant it when she was going to get sober and she couldn't explain it when she went back to drinking and using. I hassled her so much and finally one day she looked at me and said "I don't quit because I don't want to." I took that very personal and I told her that if she used one more time I would leave. I was tired of her overdosing and turning blue. I was tired of the life. Everything revolved around drugs and alcohol. Of course she used and I was 15 and well rounded enough to take care of myself. I ran away with an older guy and I promised myself that day that no longer would drug addictions be a part of my life. I worked and had a baby at 16. I wasn't ready though to lose both of my parents a month and a half apart from each other. When the news came that my dad was dead I started getting high on meth. I never really got too deep into it but it did numb me. I can remember my phone ringing off the hook a month and a half later and I refused to answer it. I knew! I didn't want to hear it. I took the phone off the hook. There was a knock on the door and it was my brother. He notified me that my mom killed herself. Most of my life went black after that. I had people to help me get away from my daughters abusive father and I don't remember much. I began to drink from the time I woke up until....I don't know how much time went by. I think it was about two years. I would only drink liquor because beer was so nasty. Some place in-between there I started drinking beer. I haven't really stopped since. Granted I have tried to stay as functioning as I can for being an alcoholic. However, I treated a man that came into my life and helped me with my daughter like a piece of poop. I was always drinking and raging in a blackout at him. I don't remember all of it but I was hurt and mean. He and I split up. I spent the next few years making very bad decisions and I took my daughter to my grandma so she wouldn't be involved. I drank to numb the pain and silence the tears.
I have been drinking for as long as I can remember. My mom used to give us shots of Amaretto. We liked it. Then the Sherry to help me sleep. Then I was regarded as responsible enough to make my own drinking decisions. My mom was the cool mom that bought us booze. She was the cool mom who I did almost all of my first time drugs with. It's been a long time since I had a sober mind or body. I didn't do anything when I was pregnant. That should count for something but it doesn't. The reality is that when you use or drink again you have to restart the count of sober days and re do it all over again. So today I am about 1 and half days sober. I am not feeling very encouraged by that number or my own self destructive ways. So, today I didn't drink and that's all I can really say about that. I guess it is time to use the AA that so many people have sworn by for a very long time. Oh Lord please help me successful this time!
I really shouldn't be surprised. I grew up watching my parents and all of their wonderful choice of friends going through the same struggles. My mom really meant it when she was going to get sober and she couldn't explain it when she went back to drinking and using. I hassled her so much and finally one day she looked at me and said "I don't quit because I don't want to." I took that very personal and I told her that if she used one more time I would leave. I was tired of her overdosing and turning blue. I was tired of the life. Everything revolved around drugs and alcohol. Of course she used and I was 15 and well rounded enough to take care of myself. I ran away with an older guy and I promised myself that day that no longer would drug addictions be a part of my life. I worked and had a baby at 16. I wasn't ready though to lose both of my parents a month and a half apart from each other. When the news came that my dad was dead I started getting high on meth. I never really got too deep into it but it did numb me. I can remember my phone ringing off the hook a month and a half later and I refused to answer it. I knew! I didn't want to hear it. I took the phone off the hook. There was a knock on the door and it was my brother. He notified me that my mom killed herself. Most of my life went black after that. I had people to help me get away from my daughters abusive father and I don't remember much. I began to drink from the time I woke up until....I don't know how much time went by. I think it was about two years. I would only drink liquor because beer was so nasty. Some place in-between there I started drinking beer. I haven't really stopped since. Granted I have tried to stay as functioning as I can for being an alcoholic. However, I treated a man that came into my life and helped me with my daughter like a piece of poop. I was always drinking and raging in a blackout at him. I don't remember all of it but I was hurt and mean. He and I split up. I spent the next few years making very bad decisions and I took my daughter to my grandma so she wouldn't be involved. I drank to numb the pain and silence the tears.
I have been drinking for as long as I can remember. My mom used to give us shots of Amaretto. We liked it. Then the Sherry to help me sleep. Then I was regarded as responsible enough to make my own drinking decisions. My mom was the cool mom that bought us booze. She was the cool mom who I did almost all of my first time drugs with. It's been a long time since I had a sober mind or body. I didn't do anything when I was pregnant. That should count for something but it doesn't. The reality is that when you use or drink again you have to restart the count of sober days and re do it all over again. So today I am about 1 and half days sober. I am not feeling very encouraged by that number or my own self destructive ways. So, today I didn't drink and that's all I can really say about that. I guess it is time to use the AA that so many people have sworn by for a very long time. Oh Lord please help me successful this time!
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