Angry Sabbath

Day 3 no alcohol and no sugary drinks. I don't want to be looked at or spoken to. Everything that everyone does pisses me off and I can't stand myself today. Sunday is usually a very exciting day for me as I get to go to church.Today this Sunday, my brain is fighting with me to find a reason to justify going and getting a beer. Not only that but when I think about having a beer I can feel happy butterflies in my tummy.

 I am ready to start an argument that will be so ugly I can tell myself "I don't need this crap." Then I will march down to the convenience store and get a 12 pack. I already placed the rule that there is no alcohol allowed in the house any more. So, I will sit outside somewhere and drink and let my husband scratch his head and wonder what he did wrong. These are the things that my addiction wants me to do and when I don't do them and I fight off the cravings, I am still left not knowing what to do with myself or how to act. 

Socializing with alcohol has been a routine for many years and today is Fathers day. I know I need to be kind to my husband and I tried. I got up and bitterly made pancakes for Fathers day. Then I went into the room where I was going to give him breakfast in bed.  That was the simple task I had planned out. Instead I went in there and scolded him on not understanding what it means to be in battle with addiction and told him I didn't feel as if he was reaching for God anymore. Wow I seriously amaze myself sometimes. I have a way of making it all about me when it isn't. 

As a family we went to church. Me, my husband,my step son, my brother, and a family friend. That, I was sure would be my cure for what ever attitude I have today. I got there and complained that the seats were too close together to stand comfortably.I left during service because I felt God went away from me. 

How much longer does this take to kick the addiction? Will I still be the same person when I come out of it or will I always be in a bad mood? Will I be able to have fun with a water in my hand instead of a beer?

Has anyone else that is reading gone through this and have any advice? I know it is said "take it one day at a time." Nobody ever told me that the days are soooo long. I have to trust that God sees what I need and will respond when it is needed. 

Saturday morning and dealing with my worst enemy

Saturday morning is here and I don't have a hangover. I slept good, I have pills for that. Last night I had a decision to make. Go to a party and drink like I usually do, go spend time with some of the other moms at church, or stay home. 

I decided to stay home. When I let my husband know that I wasn't going he reminded me that I do this a lot. I tell people I am going to be there and then don't go. I explained to him that this wasn't about anyone else. I have to do this for me. If I was able to be around alcohol and not drink I would. However, that isn't the case. If I am around it I find every justification to drink. 

I don't mean to be a person who cancels plans. Sometimes I just don't feel well. Last night I had to make a good decision for me. Not for anyone else, just me. I am certain my liver thanks me for it. I was tempted to smoke some weed last night. I don't know why I wanted to smoke. I am not a big pot smoker and never really have cared if it was around or not. I was just getting ready to grab the pipe when I got up and I had to put my addictive brain in check. I told my brain "NO I know you are just trying to replace one addiction with another." Then I begrudgingly sat back down and chastised my self. 

One tough thing that I am learning is that one of the toughest habits to break is being too hard on yourself. We are our worst enemy sometimes. "Beware of no man more than yourself;we carry our worst enemies within ourselves." (Gilbert K. Chesterton) 

So I have been speaking to my Heavenly Father daily and sometimes I don't like knowing the laws of God. I can no longer be oblivious to the ways I harm myself and others. My walk with God so far as been amazing and full of tough life changes and self reflections. I know I can't do this without God. On the other hand even though I don't always like to listen to God. I have to admit I have been feeling much more peaceful and have a reserve of joy that I can't provide myself alone. 

I know I don't need to fear anything or anyone as long as I have God but I do. I do fear that all of the sober feelings and self reflections may lead me back to a place of terrible PTSD flashbacks. Is this worth it? Will I have to go back on anxiety medicine for panic attacks and nightmares. Is it really worth trying to battle this PTSD with God alone? We will see. I will keep praying and having faith. If I do fall down in my climb then I will fall forward in Jesus's arms and not fall back in to my old ways. 

Friday night moral dilemma

It's Friday night! I am ready to get a case of beer and a bottle of rum. I have been doing this since I was about 17 years old. I am a better person drunk. I am fun and I am not such an introvert. I make people laugh and sometimes cry when I am drinking. I am able to voice how I really feel when I have a drink in my hand. I don't need to stop having fun at all. Unless the alcohol runs out. Then I face the dilemma of asking myself, "am I disposable enough to drive drunk to get more?" Luckily people like me so much that they will drive drunk to get it so I don't have to! Or, maybe they are going because they can't have fun without the alcohol either. Usually by the time it is to go get more alcohol for the 3rd time that night I say a bunch of unrealistic truisms and then head to bed to make love to my husband. The sex is amazing or at least I think it was because by this time I am usually in black out mode. When I wake up my head hurts, I face panic attacks and feeling guilty. Then my husband gets quiet and he says "why did you break down crying during sex?" Ugh how do you explain to your husband that you have used your body as a source of income. Most of the men I was with was when I was prostitute. I haven't had a partner who loves me the way you do and it hurts sometimes. After having this awkward wake up moment with husband after a drunken night, I make him aware that I do remember everything and don't want to talk about it. That's actually a big lie. If I told him that I don't remember then I am admitting to not having control over the situation. At this point I drag myself out to the kitchen for coffee that I know I can't drink because I am hungover and I will vomit. While I am in the kitchen my family laughs and says do you remember saying this? Whatever it is that they remember me saying was dumb and unintelligent and it embarrasses me to hear about it the next day. So I laugh and say I remember. Then I try to get rid of the guilt by asking God to forgive me and asking Him for the strength to never do it again. However, I didn't really mean it because Saturday has arrived and I will be drinking again as soon as I get rid of my hangover.

I am now faced with a dilemma. It is Friday night and God has answered my prayers. He has given me the strength to quit drinking. He also gave me free will to make better choices.

Tonight I have been invited to a party. I love the people there and they love me too. I love spending time with them. We laugh and drink and eat. No drama happens when I drink with them so I should be safe drinking there right? I have also been invited to the church for a group that is for Mothers. They don't drink and they don't know me very well. I don't know if they will be any fun on a Friday night. Oddly to me, they don't even offer a glass of wine at the church. Why didn't the bible say we can have wine but just not get drunk??

I have choices to make today and I will pray for Lord to help guide me to the right decision. I will keep my hopes that my prayer and my God are more powerful than my addiction. I can't honestly say that I know which choice I am going to make but I will tell you all about it tomorrow.

Sincerely,

My Addiction

Hello and welcome...

  I would like to tell you a bit about myself. I am in my mid 30's. I am a mother, new wife, sister, grandmother, and a child of God. I finished college when i was 30 and still haven't worked in that field (medical office-billing and coding). I have been a care giver for 2 family members that passed away nine days apart from each other. I became pregnant at 16. How did that happen? LOL unprotected sex and running away from home did the trick. I was  with a man for 10 years raising 2 beautiful daughters. I have traveled all across the states seeking as much of my addiction (money)that I could fill. I have been banned from Canada. I have tried almost every drug out there. I have been an alcoholic for about 17 years.Been beaten many times over by men and life.I have struggled with bad depression and anxiety BTW there is a pill for that and if that pill gives you unpleasant side effects there is another pill for that. Been in counseling for PTSD and I currently have a diagnosed issue that causes pain all over my body 90% of the time. Both of my parents dies when I was 17. Not together just a month and a half apart. Most of my life has amounted to nothing that remained joyous in me. 

Why do I divulge such embarrassing things about me? Well, for one, you don't know me and that makes it easier. You cant chastise me when I pick up my next drink and the counselor thinks it is good to talk about all of the things in the past. So i figured why not save some money and tell complete strangers.....Okay all joking aside. I know what it is like to feel all alone in life. I know how hard it can be to be to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how guilty actions can cause you to feel. I know all about trying to run away and start over. Heck! I didn't try to run away and start over. I did. I know how it feels when people you love always talk you up to what their expectations are. I was the "smart one" and I was going to make a huge impact on the world....so my parents thought. That's kind of hard to do when they both have their arms out waiting for a needle full of black darkness. I don't blame them anymore.

Back when I was younger we didn't have as many resources for abused women and teens that were pregnant or young moms. Now we have the Internet. What a glorious invention! Minus the fact that gossip, world news, massacres, bullying, whining, lies, and much more negative are just a click away. I feel that the Internet is an amazing tool and sometimes isn't used for its full potential. Yes, they have "support groups" on line and you will receive the support you are seeking there as long as your opinion doesn't differ from the others in the group too much. I have turned to some of these online resources and found over glorified "chat room moderators" are just as guilty of prejudice, judging and bullying. 

Lets dig in. Lets get to the heart of our issues and lets lean on each other to navigate our ways through this crazy life.