Friday night moral dilemma

It's Friday night! I am ready to get a case of beer and a bottle of rum. I have been doing this since I was about 17 years old. I am a better person drunk. I am fun and I am not such an introvert. I make people laugh and sometimes cry when I am drinking. I am able to voice how I really feel when I have a drink in my hand. I don't need to stop having fun at all. Unless the alcohol runs out. Then I face the dilemma of asking myself, "am I disposable enough to drive drunk to get more?" Luckily people like me so much that they will drive drunk to get it so I don't have to! Or, maybe they are going because they can't have fun without the alcohol either. Usually by the time it is to go get more alcohol for the 3rd time that night I say a bunch of unrealistic truisms and then head to bed to make love to my husband. The sex is amazing or at least I think it was because by this time I am usually in black out mode. When I wake up my head hurts, I face panic attacks and feeling guilty. Then my husband gets quiet and he says "why did you break down crying during sex?" Ugh how do you explain to your husband that you have used your body as a source of income. Most of the men I was with was when I was prostitute. I haven't had a partner who loves me the way you do and it hurts sometimes. After having this awkward wake up moment with husband after a drunken night, I make him aware that I do remember everything and don't want to talk about it. That's actually a big lie. If I told him that I don't remember then I am admitting to not having control over the situation. At this point I drag myself out to the kitchen for coffee that I know I can't drink because I am hungover and I will vomit. While I am in the kitchen my family laughs and says do you remember saying this? Whatever it is that they remember me saying was dumb and unintelligent and it embarrasses me to hear about it the next day. So I laugh and say I remember. Then I try to get rid of the guilt by asking God to forgive me and asking Him for the strength to never do it again. However, I didn't really mean it because Saturday has arrived and I will be drinking again as soon as I get rid of my hangover.

I am now faced with a dilemma. It is Friday night and God has answered my prayers. He has given me the strength to quit drinking. He also gave me free will to make better choices.

Tonight I have been invited to a party. I love the people there and they love me too. I love spending time with them. We laugh and drink and eat. No drama happens when I drink with them so I should be safe drinking there right? I have also been invited to the church for a group that is for Mothers. They don't drink and they don't know me very well. I don't know if they will be any fun on a Friday night. Oddly to me, they don't even offer a glass of wine at the church. Why didn't the bible say we can have wine but just not get drunk??

I have choices to make today and I will pray for Lord to help guide me to the right decision. I will keep my hopes that my prayer and my God are more powerful than my addiction. I can't honestly say that I know which choice I am going to make but I will tell you all about it tomorrow.

Sincerely,

My Addiction