Saturday morning and dealing with my worst enemy

Saturday morning is here and I don't have a hangover. I slept good, I have pills for that. Last night I had a decision to make. Go to a party and drink like I usually do, go spend time with some of the other moms at church, or stay home. 

I decided to stay home. When I let my husband know that I wasn't going he reminded me that I do this a lot. I tell people I am going to be there and then don't go. I explained to him that this wasn't about anyone else. I have to do this for me. If I was able to be around alcohol and not drink I would. However, that isn't the case. If I am around it I find every justification to drink. 

I don't mean to be a person who cancels plans. Sometimes I just don't feel well. Last night I had to make a good decision for me. Not for anyone else, just me. I am certain my liver thanks me for it. I was tempted to smoke some weed last night. I don't know why I wanted to smoke. I am not a big pot smoker and never really have cared if it was around or not. I was just getting ready to grab the pipe when I got up and I had to put my addictive brain in check. I told my brain "NO I know you are just trying to replace one addiction with another." Then I begrudgingly sat back down and chastised my self. 

One tough thing that I am learning is that one of the toughest habits to break is being too hard on yourself. We are our worst enemy sometimes. "Beware of no man more than yourself;we carry our worst enemies within ourselves." (Gilbert K. Chesterton) 

So I have been speaking to my Heavenly Father daily and sometimes I don't like knowing the laws of God. I can no longer be oblivious to the ways I harm myself and others. My walk with God so far as been amazing and full of tough life changes and self reflections. I know I can't do this without God. On the other hand even though I don't always like to listen to God. I have to admit I have been feeling much more peaceful and have a reserve of joy that I can't provide myself alone. 

I know I don't need to fear anything or anyone as long as I have God but I do. I do fear that all of the sober feelings and self reflections may lead me back to a place of terrible PTSD flashbacks. Is this worth it? Will I have to go back on anxiety medicine for panic attacks and nightmares. Is it really worth trying to battle this PTSD with God alone? We will see. I will keep praying and having faith. If I do fall down in my climb then I will fall forward in Jesus's arms and not fall back in to my old ways.